Meet the Kazama Family
by Bravo 1
Summary: This is story is about the Kazama family, a messed up family who lost all their dignity from everybody and to each other. AU OOC. SS NH etc. Based on the show Arrested Development.
1. Chapter 1

Meet the Kazama Family

This is story is about the Kazama family, a messed up family who lost all their dignity from everybody and to each other.

Our story starts at the Kazama mansion at San Diego, California. Their mansion is a flat top mansion with brown tiles, white bricks, at least 21 windows and about 25 rooms. The main character of our story is Sasuke Uchiha, an eighteen year old teenager who is trying to keep the family together and try to regain their family former glory.

Sasuke had a call from his girlfriend Sakura to meet her at the mall's food court. Finally finding her at the food court, they ordered pizza. "Um Sasuke can I ask you a question?" said Sakura. She wore pink sleeveless shirt, blue short and pink slippers

"Sure what is it?" Said Sasuke. He wore black jeans, a dark blue shirt and a black jacket with black Nike shoes.

"Well your surname is Uchiha…but your family name is Kazama. So why do you have two last surname?"

"Well it begins with my Great Grandfather which his name was Saratobi. But my grandfather renamed himself with Kazama after he died and so left Japan to live here. Then when my grandmother had my dad and both of my uncles only one kept the name which was my uncle Arashi. So my dad and my uncle Hiashi changed their names to Uchiha and Hyuga. I know what you're thinking, I have a crazy family."

"Um no, that's not true _Oh yeah you're family's crazy!_"

"Sakura it's alright I know I have a really mess up family." How he said it was like he was the most stressed out being in the world.

"Sasuke are you alright?" Sasuke begin to eat his pizza but in the same time slammed his head to the table. Sakura poked Sasuke his shoulder, and then she notices that he was sleeping. "ARE YOU SLEEPING SASUKE?!" Sasuke raised his head with the pizza attach to his face. "What are you talking about? Oh…" The pizza slowly fell off his face and landed on the plate. "Sorry about that Sakura. It's just running my father company is kind of difficult."

"Oh sorry if I offended you and about your father."

"Wha—oh no my father is not dead."

"Oh good."

"He's in hiding."

"What?!" Yes Sasuke's father is in hiding and this is what happened. Fugaku accidently made a deal with the Mafia which they secretly were printing illegal counterfeiting money and caused him to get in major trouble which he didn't even knew about. Now he's hiding in the attic.

"Umm, well this is awkward."

"Ha that's not the half of it."

"_I think I'm going to regret this." _The story of the rest of his family is more complicated especially his older brother. You see his brother his brother is at a mental hospital. "Hahahaha Kisame told me to do it. He told me to he told me to hahaha." For killing nine people in a subway train. Saying it was a half man and half shark guy to do it. "Yes Itachi now you must kill everybody in your family. KILL THEM ALL!!!!"

"Hahahaha family kill hahahaha."

As for his mother, while visiting New York City. The family visited the Empire State Building and at the top of the building she was accidently pushed by a fat man and fell to her death.

"I'm sorry Sasuke."

"It's alright it happen 10 years ago. So are you ready." Sakura nodded

"Yeah but I need to get a pizza for my father. Care to come with me to my house?" Giving his hand to her which she took and left with Sasuke to his family's mansion.

At the Kazama mansion

"Tsuande! Were the hell is my whisky?" Shouted Jiraya walking into the living room drunk naked. The room had four sofas, a chimney on the left corner, and a wooden table with a thin glass in the middle of the room.

"I drank it all Jiraya (Hicup)" She laid on the couple sofa naked.

"You did what, ugh what the hell Tsunade I wanted some—" He passed out falling to the ground drooling on the floor.

"Jiraya…JIRAYA don't you dare dr-o-ol—" Tsunade passed out on the sofa drooling.

Then Naruto and Hinata showed up. "Grandfather and Grandmother had too much to drink again." Said Naruto. He was wearing a orange shirt, a button down blue shirt on top the shirt navy blue jeans and Nike black shoes.

"Do you think we should help them Naruto?" Hinata wore sleeveless purple shirt brown jacket blue jeans and white tennis shoes.

"Nah." Naruto and Hinata held each other and kissed deeply. "Hey Naruto, hey Hinata." Sasuke was holding a box of pizza. They broke the kiss with a guilty face.

"Shit he saw us!" said Naruto

"Do you think he'll tell?" Said Hinata

"No I won't" Said Sasuke

"We can't trust him we need to get rid of him."

"Didn't you hear me?! I just said I won't tell!" Sasuke shouted while walking up the stairs.

"What about we talk to him Naruto."

"I JUST SAID I WON'T TELL DAMN IT!" Sasuke shouted at the top of the stairs.

"Yeah you're right we need to talk to him."

"DAMN IT! YOU'RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME AREN"T YOU?!" He shouted in the hall.

"Wonder why Sasuke shouting so much?" Said Naruto

"I AM SO GOING TO KILL YOU TWO!" As he open the attic.

"So much hatred." Said Naruto

"I smell pizza!" Said Jiraya

Sasuke walked up the attic seeing his dad laying down on a air bed, reading one of his Grandfather's books.

"Enjoying yourself father." Said Sasuke

"No, you know I don't know why your grandfather and uncle make these perverted books. I enjoy myself watching porn on the internet." Said Fugaku.

"Father we don't need another pervert in the family."

"Fine so why are you here?"

"No reasons just want to know if you're okay. Oh yeah here you go." He handed over the pizza to his father.

"Ah thanks son. Mmmm Pepperoni."

Sasuke left the attic closing it behind him. He said his good bye to his grandparents.

"Wait Sasuke (burp)."

"Yes grandfather."

"Go to the mental hospital and say your hello to your great uncle."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, you know how cranky he gets."

"Fine."

Sakura was waiting outside of the mansion leaning on Sasuke's Black Ferrari 599 GTB. Sasuke came walking out the house annoyed.

"What's wrong Sasuke?" Said Sakura

Sasuke open the Sakura's side of the door letting her in and he got in.

"So where we going?"

"To the mental hospital."

"Wha?!?!?!?!"

"Were going to meet my great uncle Orochimaru."

Orochimaru is Jiraya's twin (not exact identical) brother. The reason he was put in the mental hospital is that he thought that he was the Queen of England, Emperor of Japan, President of the U.S.A, the Pope, five Cardinals, Jewish priest, the cast of Friends, Simpsons, Power Rangers (all the casts) and a goat.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Naruto series.

Living the Kazama family life

Orochimaru is Jiraya's twin (not exact identical) brother. The reason he was put in the mental hospital is that he thought he was the Queen of England, Emperor of Japan, President of the U.S.A, the Pope, five Cardinals, Jewish priest, the cast of Friends, Simpsons, Power Rangers (all the generation) and a goat. So for his own good and everyone else they locked him up in a mental hospital.

Sasuke and Sakura arrived at the mental hospital. Sakura was a bit scared about all this. "Um Sasuke do you even wanted to visit your great uncle." Said Sakura

"No…but if I don't visit, he will break out the hospital and torture me for an hour. So basically for my case I have to meet him every week. So you should wait outside the visiting room." Sakura nodded but she was still nervous about all this.

Sasuke entered the visiting room while Sakura waited for him outside. The room was white with only a table and two chairs. Orochimaru was strapped down on the chair. "Saaaassssukeeeee how are you doing?"

"Fine—" he stretch the word. "how about you?"

"I'm gooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOd hahahaha. I see you have brought company here…how about you let him or her in."

"Um, Orochimaru remember last time when I brought someone with me."

Orochimaru leaned over and made a death face. "Listen to me boy I'm sick and tired of seeing the same stupid people day in and day out. So you make whoever is out there come in here. Or so help me I'll break out again and haunt you forever."

Moments later Sakura was sitting on a bench.

"HELLO THERE!!!" Shouted a man strap into a straitjacket. Sakura jumped by the crazed man.

"Um h-h-hello……aren't you suppose to be with doctors.

"Nah, oh by the way my name is Itachi Uchiha."

"I-I-ta-ch-chi U-chiha."

"Took you long enough. _There's something different about this girl kill her kill her. __What about no Kisame I think I like this girl."_

"Hey Sakura we have a…Itachi?!"

"Hey little brother. _There's you're little brother kill him kill him now, and bring me a fish I'm hungry!"_ _How can you eat Kisame plus I'm strap into this jacket, HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO KILL HIM?!"_

"Talking to yourself again Itachi."

After five long pointless minutes the surcurity guards tranqualized Itachi and send him back to his room "I'm a pretty little girl."

"Yes you are Itachi. _This guy is a nut."_

When Sasuke and Sakura were done visiting Orochimaru the two left to go to a club.

Sasuke and Sakura had a awkward silent to the club.

"Sakura I'm sorry ab-"

"Sasuke lets just drop it okay. Just take me home so I can take a shower and change."

This what happen. When Sasuke and Sakura walked in the room Orochimaru threw up all on Sakura.

"Oh sorry but I ate too much."

"Orochimaru they didn't even feed you today." Said Sasuke

"They didn't?"

"No?"

"Then what did I ate?" His own crap.

"Oh god Sasuke I'm cover with Orochimaru's thrown up crap ugh."

After twenty minutes later Sakura got new clothes from the hospital and left with in hurry.

At Hiashi office. Hiashi called Hinata that he wasn't coming home tonight.

"Hey sweetie I'm not coming home tonight…I'm just really busy with all the work and what not. So go ahead and have breakfast."

"Alright papa."

He was lying. Hiashi was actually had finished his work about an hour ago and was attending a cock fight.

"Cabelleros y Cabellaras presento El Diablo y Jango Fett. FIGHT!"

"Yeah!!!! I Bet five hundred on Jango Fett." He lost all five hundred dollars but won two thousand from the next match.

Five minutes later Arashi called Naruto

"Yo Naruto son I'm going to the Play Boy Mansion at Chicago for at least a week. So don't wait up see ya."

"But…but (beeeeeeeep) (sigh) damn it he hanged up!"

"Naruto what's wrong?" Said Naruto

"My dad is going to the Play Boy Mansion…WITH OUT ME!!!"

"What! SO you would rather be with sluts rather with me."

Wha…Um no I don't mean that Hinata…I ah I…it just I kind of want to be with my dad that's all."

"Oh I' m sorry Naruto." She gave him a big hug. _"Yeah I want to go because of the girls. But I don't want to hurt Hinata. Oh well easy come easy go."_

Back with Jiraya and Tsunade. They were at the kitchen wearing bath robes putting ice on their heads leaning on the island.

"Aah Tsunade I think it's better if we stay silver for the rest of our life."

"Fine let's agree we'll never drink again."

That only lasted about five minutes

"Man I'm so drunk (hiccup) hahahahaha!" Jiraya fell of his chair and landed on the floor naked.

"Hahahahaha you fell down (hiccup) what a bozo. HAHAHAHA" She laid on the island but naked.

Sasuke and Sakura arrived at Sakura's apartment. Her apartment had five rooms a large kitchen with a table in the middle of the kitchen. In the living room there was three couches, a entertainment center, a coffee table, a fake chimney on the left corner, and above the chimney was picture of Sakura's family.

The picture had Sakura in the middle her dad on the right and her mom on the left. Her dad had silver spike hair with only one eye while the other was cover by a cloth and wearing a fancy tux. Her mother's hair was black, red eyes, red lipstick and wearing a fancy red silk dress. Sakura dress was beautiful green silk dress similar to her mother.

Sakura walked up behind him wearing blue pants, a nature green jacket and underneath it was a blue short sleeve shirt. Sasuke turned and saw Sakura.

"You look beautiful." Sakura blushed deeply and thanked him. "That's a great picture of your family."

"Thank you."

"So what do your parents do?"

"My father is a Lawyer and one of the best in all of California. My mother is a College professor, she teaches Law at the Alliant International University."

"That sounds great, you must be proud of them."

"Yeah I am."

"Are you ready" She nodded. "Fine lets me call Naruto if he and Hinata wanted to come."

(beepbeepbeepbeep)

"What the hell, Naruto always has his phone on."

"Why not Hinata."

What Sakura didn't know about Hinata is that when she was young Arashi called Hiashi cell phone. But Hinata answered the phone instead. Then Arashi then made a loud whistle noise on the phone which nearly made Hinata deaf. This is the reason why Hiashi hates Arashi.

"Looks like we need to go back to the mansion again." Said Sasuke

At the Play Boy Mansion Arashi was drooling over all the girls he bumps into.

"Hey ladies, my name is Arashi Kazama author of Make out Paradise. And I wanted to know if one of you gorgeous bunny's wanted to be in my books." The girls laughed and walked away.

"Oh come on! You'll be famous!" Then he was hit by a man with a bloody knife and gave it to Arashi.

"Oh crap…this isn't good."

"There he is! Murder!" Everyone tried to grab Arashi. But he was able to escape.

(ringring)

"Hello."

"Naruto I was accused of murder that I didn't do and I ran all the way to New York City and I need to you to pick me up."

"WHAT…Wait how they hell did you ran all the way from Chicago to New York City in one day."

"It's complicated, just pick me up." (beepbeepbeep)

"Oh this is just GREAT!"

"What is it Naruto?" Said Hinata

"My dad is accused of murder. Which he didn't even do and ran all the way to New York City."

"How did he ran all the way to New York?"

This is what happened. Arashi escaped the mob and found a train going to New York City. He entered one of the carts saying manure.

"He didn't say…I need to go to New York City." Naruto kissed Hinata on the cheek and left in his Red Viper SRT-10.

Sasuke and Sakura arrived at the mansion two hours after Naruto left.

"Hey Hinata, where's Naruto?"

"Uncle Arashi was accused of murder and he had to go to New York City to pick him up."

"That's not right." Said Sasuke

"So why are you two here?"

"Oh yeah I wanted to know if you and Naruto wanted to go to the club with us. But since Naruto isn't here you want to come?"

"Yeah sure."

On another note while Naruto was on his road trip he met a gay man at Carson City, Nevada (Deidara didn't pick up), a psychotic man at Bull Head, Arizona (Sasori didn't pick up) and finally Gaara while driving in the Painted Desert, Arizona.

"Gaara? What are you doing here?"

"I left my home to find a sign how to live."

"How is it going?"

"I fucked five girls, bitten by scorpions, spiders and rattlers and I had a terrible sun burn on my ass and back."

"Wow that sucks…well except the girls part."

"They actually raped me."

"They did?"

"Nah I let them "rape me""

"Oh boy."

Gaara got in his car and drove off to New York City. While driving, Naruto told everything what happen to his dad.

"One Question. Are you and Hinata still you know?"

"Yeah why?"

"Oh come on she's your cousin. Don't you think that's kind of sick?"

Naruto thought a bit. "Nah"

"Fine." Gaara shook a bit. "So Naruto…how did your dad ran all the way from Chicago to New York?"

"He never told me."

"So why are you in the Arizona Desert?"

Naruto stop his car. "Wait I'm in Arizona???!!!!"

Fifteen days later and over two hundred stops latter they finally arrived at New York City.

"Where the hell is my dad?" Said Naruto

"There he is." He pointed at Arashi in a dumpster.

"Hey son how's it going?!"

"This man is going to be the death of me Gaara."

End chapter


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own the Naruto series

The Kazama Family Life Part 2

Naruto back his car next to the dumpster.

"So how are we going to do this?" Naruto asked himself. His car didn't have enough room for three, and then a thought came to him.

"Dad I have an idea."

Naruto open his trunk. "Okay dad, get in."

"………In there? ARE YOU CRAZY???!!!! I"LL DIE!!!!!!!!"

"Well it's this or nothing."

"I should have bought you a mini-van."

"Mini-vans don't attract chicks' dad."

Over twenty minutes of argument Arashi gave up and got in the trunk (oh by the way it's summer).

"But you better stop every five hours son."

Naruto was getting impatient about all this.

"Gaara were going to Canada!"

"Why Canada?"

"Because were dropping my dad in Canada. At least he'll be safe in Canada."

Two hours and twenty minutes after Naruto left Sasuke, Sakura and Hinata they arrived at the club. The club lights were all off except for the colorful neon lights, they played loud techno music, with a bar on the second floor, there were booths, tables, couches' surrounding a table and outside of the club was a large swimming pool.

"Wow this place is great Sasuke."

"Yeah it is. We usually go here once or twice a month. So you want to get something to drink?"

"Sure."

"How about you Hinata?" She nodded.

When they got to the bar they met some people at the bar that they never thought they meet.

"Hey Sasuke and Hinata…where's Naruto?" Said Kiba

"He had to leave." Said Hinata

"Okay? So Sasuke who's the new girl?"

"This is Sakura Hatake. Sakura this is Kiba, Shino, Shikamaru, Temari, Neji and Tenten." Sakura greeted them and they did the same.

"So Hinata where's Naruto?" Said Neji

"He's um…"

Kiba and Shino both hate Naruto, so if she tells the truth where Naruto's is he'll be in major trouble.

"…He's on a road trip." Said Hinata

"Road trip?" Neji

"Yeah, um, he said that he didn't felt good and um, he wanted to get some fresh air. So he drove off to New York City." Said Hinata

"Okay?" Neji raised his left eye brow.

"So Hinata, since Naruto isn't here you want to dance." Everyone even Neji doesn't know that Naruto and Hinata are in love with each other.

"I'm alright but thank you."

Sakura seemed confused about Sasuke's friends.

Temari stand between Sakura and Sasuke. "So Sakura have you and Sasuke…you know."

"What?!" Sakura and Sasuke face turned red. "No we haven't done it!"

"So have you ever had sex?"

"NO!"

"Well if you want to keep your virginity but want to have sex, you can come over."

"Thanks but I'm not a lesbian."

"I'm not a lesbian."

"Okay?"

"I'm bi!"

"WHAT!"

"And so is Tenten." Sakura's eye's popped out her head.

"Yup and we have it all in tape." Said Shikamaru.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"You want to see it. We have it on our cell phones." Said Neji

"Sasuke, can I talk to you." Sakura lead Sasuke (and Hinata was following them) at the end of the bar.

"Sasuke…Hinata why are you here?" Said Sakura

"It's not really a good idea to leave her with Kiba and Shino." Said Sasuke

"Why's that?"

Two years ago Kiba tried out one of Hinata's clothing, and now he keeps provoking her about girl clothes.

Flash back:

"Hey Hinata, you don't mind if I wear your blouse right?" Said Kiba

Kiba was in Hinata's room. Her room was about 15 by 14 foot room, light blue walls, couple of book shelf's, one next to her bed and another next to her closet. She also had a large drawer next to her closet; her closet was a wooden brown sliding door, in her closet had loads of clothing. Lastly her bed was a queen size bed on a metal bed frame with blue covers.

"Why are you wearing one of my blouses Kiba?" Said Hinata

"No reason."

Naruto, Sasuke and Shino came in Hinata's room and when they saw Kiba wearing Hinata's blouses Naruto and Sasuke backed out the room slowly.

"Kiba why are you wearing Hinata's blouse?" Naruto said behind the door.

"Because it feels nice on my skin."

"What the HELL?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU KIBA?!" Yelled out Naruto

"Well I think he looks nice in it." Said Shino

"EH?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!" Everyone except Kiba cried

"You think so Shino?" Said Kiba

"Sasuke kill me now!"

"Not if you kill me first."

"Hey you two, you're killing the moment!" Yelled Kiba

"GOOD!" They both cried

"Okay, okay, okay! I don't want to know the rest!" Yelled out Sakura

"Good. Now what you want to talk about Sakura?" Said Sasuke

"Well um, how can I say this…your friend's kind of creep me out." Said Sakura

"I know how you feel, I feel like that all the time."

"Eh?"

Hiashi on the other hand had won over two million dollars.

"Hahahaha look at all this money I just won! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"There he is!"

"What?!"

Men started to shoot at Hiashi.

"What the hell?!"

Hiashi left the danger zone and got on a bus.

"Hahahaha I'm out of danger…wonder where this bus goes."

Everyone on the bus wore a sombrero.

"OH SHIT!"

On the bus it's states Tijuana, Mexico.

Back at the club Sasuke and the girls had to put through Shikamaru and Neji perverted movies, Kiba and Shino gay talks and Temari and Tenten stories of their sex lives.

"Oh God, do you girls want to leave?" They nodded and they left the club.

Sasuke and the girls finally arrived at the mansion.

"Sasuke is that you?" Shouted Jiraya.

"Yes Grandpa I'm home."

"Oh good." Jiraya came out wearing nothing but only holding a wine bottle. Sakura and Hinata screamed and covered their eyes.

"GRANDPA PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! I HAVE A GUEST!" he yelled.

"Err they'll be fine. Oh it's a girl. Sasuke Hinata and you to um…I don't your name but meet me in the living room." Said Jiraya

"Okay?" Sakura walked to the living room but was stop by Sasuke and Hinata.

"What wrong with you two?" Said Sakura

"Don't go in there, if you do there's no coming back!" Said Sasuke

"WHAT? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Shouted Sakura

"HE'S GOING TO GIVE "THE TALK!" Shouted Hinata

"Huh?"

Sakura resisted and went into the living room but Sasuke and Hinata only followed by three feet away. Sakura looked at the living room, all she see was a couple of pictures on the wall, plants on two corners, four couches making a circle and a table in the middle.

"You sit down." Jiraya said still butt naked. Sakura sat down, then Jiraya open up his legs making Sakura bright red and tried to look away.

""What's your name?"

"…Um…er um damn…my name is (Jiraya had an erection) OH MY GOD! SAKURA THAT'S MY NAME! NOW COVER YOUR SELF UP DAMN IT!" Sakura yelled turning redder than ever before.

"What are you talking about? I had this large pizza with extra cheese and pepperoni but man did it have loads of grease on it." Jiraya farted a bit.

"Oh my GOD!" Sakura tried to cover her noise.

"Okay first you need to know about boys…"

"WHAT!"

"Boys have this thing called a penis."

"BUT I ALREADY KNOW THIS!"

"Girls on the other hand has a vagina."

"OH GOD!"

"Tsunade can you come here a minute."

"Yeah sure."

"OH GOD!"

Tsunade came in the living room butt naked and drunk and sat next to Jiraya.

"Alright Tsunade if you will… (Tsunade got on hands and knees) Now a man can put his penis either in a woman vagina or ass."

"OH GOD!"

"SAKURA RUN NOW! RUN NOW" Yelled out Hinata

Twenty really disturbing sex talk latter.

"And that's how a man and a woman make love." Said Jiraya

Sakura eyes popped out and her face was as red as flame.

"Now you know!"

Sakura fainted, Sasuke and Hinata came in to help her.

"Ah good you two are here. We can start talking again."

With that Sasuke and Hinata left the mansion while carrying Sakura to the car.

End chapter

How you like it. Disturbing right, so plz review


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